Ladies.. the most important thing in life is to keep your man distracted.

22 01 2014

I think few women genuinely appreciate the importance to any society of keeping its men distracted. Certainly, in the age we live in, it appears that women spend much of their time trying to prise men away from distractions. Things like working on old cars, playing with toy trains in the basement, collecting human body parts in chest freezers and spending too much time on facebook games that involve gorgeous women with impossibly large breasts having equally impossible fascinations with automatic weapons. Now, it is possible that after the last sentence you are either a) a typical male now mesmerised with the mention of boobies b) a slightly disturbed woman thinking that I know your love interest a bit too well or c) Dexter wondering whether he left the chest freezer open last time he was down there.

body parts

You see the problem is that men are, as Douglas Adams was wont to say “mostly harmless” if left to their tedious but otherwise innocuous pursuits. They just get dangerous when they REALLY get an idea in their head. You see whilst men joke about the length of their… urethras (while in comparison, sans UTI women hardly spare a thought!) they don’t actually like comparing them, certainly not with any reliable measuring device handy, because we all know that if you look at another man’s penis you become gay. So, long ago men devised ways that they could outdo other men. One simple game is called ‘Climb the tall thing’. It is rather simple, you just climb the nearest tall thing. Now once your son, your great Uncle Ralph and your mud hut was scaled, groups of men tended to look further afield (and get out of there before you had to deal with Uncle Ralph’s broken back or your wife screaming about the new hole in the grassed roof of your house).

So men would climb trees. Some in Vanuatu would actually JUMP off trees as a rite of passage. It was also a convenient way of getting rid of your enemies, as long as they were poor at estimation skills, by cunningly making the supporting vine to the ankles somewhat longer than the actual fall to the ground. Brilliant those men! Trees get dull, so you try waterfalls, cliffs, large mounds of dirt with grass on them or.. mountains. So men would climb mountains. “Why?” Sir Edmund Hilary was asked after completing the first documented ascent of Everest with his faithful Sherpa, Tenzig Norgay. His answer? Often documented as “because it was there!” but apparently, according to a source I have yet to make up, his original answer was “because my wife is not!!”.

edmund and Tenzig

Yes, climbing a summit makes you a man. Can you climb stairs? Well, son, you can climb a mountain. So men do. Now, what people fail to realise is that a LOT of dishes pile up whilst one is away doing lame-arse things like climbing mountains (when, after all, you just have to go back down again and you’ve seen all that bit before, right?). Apparently Sir Edmund Hilary’s wife had to rent a second home to store the dirty dishes that accumulated during the year and a bit that the first ascent took him.. She did apparently negotiate a dishwashing machine afterwards so the expedition wasn’t completely pointless.

The problem is that once men start climbing things, they tend not to stop. So to avoid too much purchasing of unnecessary crockery, whole societies actually moved further and further up mountains. Yes, in every continent on the planet you will find Indians, Tibetans, Nepalese and, of course, the indigenous people of what is now known as Papua New Guinea.

Now these tribes long satisfied all desires to climb to the top of mountains. It long since became a rite of passage since the majority of babies in such tribes tended to be born right on top of such things. A more difficult rite of passage was not falling down of one of these perilous peaks that tribesmen and women decided to live on. Silly, some might even suggest. Well, perhaps, but each family had only one set of crockery and the dishes were always done, so the women were hardly complaining.

That was until the men stopped getting distracted. This was always going to be trouble. So one day, an alpha male starts lamenting about the taro and pork all the time. “I’m so sick of @#$% Taro and Pork!!! I’m so #$% ^&* hungry I could even eat your mother-in-Law, Buntu!!”. “My mother-in-Law, hey? Hmm.. I’ll tell you what, there is a Taro lager and a kilogram of bacon if you do!”. So it was that the “other, other” white meat was sampled and found to be well, pret-ty darn tasty. As an added bonus, the constant whining around camp was minimised a little as well.

cannibal jokeThe problem is with cannibalism is that you end up eating your labour, really. Yes, in an exciting Master-Chef-Style ingredient challenge, it was a bold flavour and freely available but there comes a point where there is no one much around to do any other food gathering and you just get a bit, well, on edge! So people generally tried to steer away from descending down the culinary road of cannibalism. Of course, because of the difficulty of achieving sound sleep but also the truly awful jokes:

Cannibal daughter to cannibal mother: “Mummy! Mummy! I hate Daddy!”, “Well, leave him, dear and eat the Taro.”

Cannibal daughter to cannibal mother: “Mummy! Mummy! This clown tastes funny.”

You see what I mean. So cannibalism is a pretty serious slippery slope for society to head down.

Modern societies, of course, substituted mountains for skyscrapers but this was hardly a challenge, as long as the lifts were actually working. Even when they weren’t, it became a fashionable competition, from New York to Addis Ababa (purely an assumption, but, why not?) to have stair climbing races to the tops of skyscrapers. The thing is that feminism had LONG been invented by then and we were roundly chastised that “Women can do anything!”. As it turns out they pretty much can… well except for scratch their balls, play good lead guitar, achieve mainstream success with stand up comedy or beat your average man at putting together a MALM bookcase, An EXPEDIT unit or, the piece de resistance, an entire FAKTUM kitchen. So the stair thing died a sorry death.

Yep, men raised on a solid diet of Lego to distract them from connecting power socket to fork to baby sister spent many hours deciphering the 3D hieroglyphics in the verbal desert that is a Lego instruction manual to make pirate ships, Millenium Falcons or properly operating flush toilets (didn’t your house have a Lego toilet??). Now, blind Freddy could see.. no, well, perhaps he was one who clearly couldn’t, but almost everyone else would see the clear similarity with Ikea instructions. Men also knew how to hold those notoriously tricky allen keys supplied!

So modern men can pretty much take or leave mountains (unless they perhaps had a Legoless childhood). Or perhaps if they happened to have a Legolas childhood and got a fanging for some of ‘dem New Zealand peaks!! However, I digress. Yep, modern urban man can build IKEA and this is a blessing.

Sure our houses might have enough storage, OK maybe it is 7.6 times easier to get into a POANG chair than out of one (according to a study I conducted in my home last Tuesday morning) and perhaps it is a pain in the neck trying to remember which box in the EXPEDIT shelving that you left the cat because it was, well, an annoying cat. Ladies, a cautionary tale, however, is on this ver blog. Please go to work. Please let him buy that PAX wardrobe. Leave him alone on the floor with those 19 pieces at the end that were worryingly left over and the Crownie in his hand… At least he is not thinking about how !@#$%^& bland your @#$%^&*( ¬†Tofu salad and whole grain croissant tastes. If he does, you might find yourself waking up catching a glance at a dirty glass door once every three seconds or finding out that your Gaggenau oven really DOES keep an even temperature all over. It is imperative to stop men rediscovering Cannibalism. The more you push your men to avoid skin cancer (or the outdoors entirely), the more you make him love that lamentable metrosexual on the YOUI commercial, the more you sermonise about your food that tastes like Rainforest Puke, you are driving him closer and closer to exotic carnivorism at an apartment near you. VERY near you.

Faktum Kitchen

Actually, ¬†evangelism is in order. It is probably time to get such pasty-faced almost men out and doing a bit of exercise and I wholeheartedly recommend introducing the joys of IKEA furniture construction to the isolated tribes of the Sepik river in New Guinea. Imagine the relief in the faces of those who face horrific lives there if they knew that a) they could finally sleep knowing that their men are maniacally distracted by hexagonal metal and whiteboard and b) that if the women didn’t like their kitchens, they’d have 90 days to haul them back down the mountain to Port Moresby for a ‘no questions, money back guarantee’! Of course, we’d run out of Cannibal jokes and some have suggested that Muslim jokes are on the rise.

I’m not so sure that is a good thing, really.

 

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