This one WEIRD trick pony!

23 09 2013

There comes a point in one’s life where self-improvement takes a stretched-limosine style backseat to self-acceptance. I’m not entirely convinced it is necessarily an age thing either. I am an occasional facebooker, I guess. True, I can’t stand indulging in dumb two dimensional facebook games, I ran out of digital money in poker and really couldn’t get used to being called ‘dude’ all the time, so I check-in and check-out a couple of times a week. Lately, however, I am apparently a target for sites which variously want me to know:

a) That an inordinate number of single chicks are checking out my (unfinished and rather dull, middle=aged man) profile

b) That I can add enormous muscle bulk with one ‘weird’ trick (and presumably releasing my vice-like grip on a wad of hard earned $$$)

OK. I released a status update recently to the effect that any single woman sufficiently interested in checking out the unfinished profile of a middle-aged man, whose profile picture is a small spaceship is either a) desperate, b) is visually challenged or c) has a very poor taste in men. In any case, it turns out that I already have a woman exactly like this and am in no need of subsequent ones.

Now the muscle thing is, I admit, a little more intriguing but, again, I wonder what the point is of acquiring a physique like a condom full of walnuts if one has read the last paragraph. I have no desire to go to such lengths to change my (admittedly) ‘utilitarian’ body if the goal is not a suitably impressive mate?? Of course, I could certainly use the grunt for a bit of DIY work I still need to do but have found a MORE amazing ‘weird’ trick to effectively double my strength for about $50… I offer a crate of ‘Crownies’ (to my US subscribers.. if you want a consistently amazing beer at a reasonable price, the Australian Crown Lager is arguably the best in the world, trust me.. just writing this is making me thirsty for one!). Anyway, I simply offer a cold case of Crownies to a good mate, we share some sweat and some laughs and I get the job done.

Now, I have to let you in on a little secret, however. Last year, true to my roots as a scientist, I selected the three most successful ‘supplements’ to see how they would enhance my fine body. I took a good ‘before’ shot and then three subsequent ‘after’ shots and, whilst they had remarkable results, I was not entirely happy with them

heston crotch

Ok, so this is the starting point for the ‘clinical study’ conducted by me. I little bit of podge.. but you know, I’d been cooking a bit and well, you gotta taste your art, right? 😉   So, then a $150 down for a weird Amazonian fruit and only 90 seconds of sit ups a day and this was the result:

mick built

Now, many of you are no doubt suitably impressed with the results only a week later after this regime but it created quite a problem for me… you see now I was getting inundated with people of both genders apparently checking out my profile on facebook/offering to marry me (Australian laws and visa issues permitting, of course). Well, this was certainly no good, so I tried the next product, three treatments of Narwhal bile for what is apparently a bargain price of $1995.95 from a trusty facebook advertisement (if you can’t trust the internet, who CAN you trust, right??). Well, this entailed a full three weeks of jogging around the house suitably attired and taking three doses of the bile, with these results:


Now, I must confess, I was pretty impressed with the results and those abs, well, nuff said. Nevertheless there was something weird with my skin colour goin’ on, ya know whada’m sayin’? I quite liked it and it had the result of stemming the flow of eligible single people (WHO WERE RACIST, by the way) apparently checking out my facebook profile. I also got a lot of ‘likes’ that according to my patented facebook ‘Like-o-meter’ fact checked the 23,049 likes I received and found that as many as 84% were deemed to be ‘bloody insincere’ to ‘fairly bloody insincere’, so I felt that I was at least getting somewhere with my goal of being less-stalked on facebook.

Finally, I purchased the most expensive and, I have to admit, the most incredible product of the three, which cost me a new mortgage on my house, some $125, 000 , came in a special truck with what I am fairly sure was a radioactive symbol of the back and seemed to glow eerily in the insufficient lighting in the kitchen (due to the failure to replace all but one lightbulb from spending all my time collecting Crownies by helping out a growing army of mates with newfound DIY projects). I only had to take one dose and get off the couch twice daily in this new regime for a month and then I coaxed a rather terrified missus to take this happy snap:Film Title: The Incredible Hulk

So this really wasn’t helping my wardrobe of ‘weekend blacks’ (see previous post about ‘man clothes’), with each beautiful shirt ripping to shreds everytime I couldn’t find the damn remote. Funnily enough my jeans seemed to mostly cope with my newfound bulk.. certainly a relief to my wife (again, same article.. have a read!).

Now that I am whittling down to a more normal 42 year old white male professional physique with some nicely rounded bumper bars, I am currently hiding out in my spaceship on facebook and ignoring all requests for either single people or  weird new tips for gaining muscle.

However, I am becoming rather intrigued by some advertisements for “Farmville 2”. What IS this ‘Farmville’ that they speak of?? Maybe THIS could be a great new way to make friends on this wonderful vehicle of social connection we call Facebook!

Stay tuned subscribers! 😉




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