This one WEIRD trick pony!

23 09 2013

There comes a point in one’s life where self-improvement takes a stretched-limosine style backseat to self-acceptance. I’m not entirely convinced it is necessarily an age thing either. I am an occasional facebooker, I guess. True, I can’t stand indulging in dumb two dimensional facebook games, I ran out of digital money in poker and really couldn’t get used to being called ‘dude’ all the time, so I check-in and check-out a couple of times a week. Lately, however, I am apparently a target for sites which variously want me to know:

a) That an inordinate number of single chicks are checking out my (unfinished and rather dull, middle=aged man) profile

b) That I can add enormous muscle bulk with one ‘weird’ trick (and presumably releasing my vice-like grip on a wad of hard earned $$$)

OK. I released a status update recently to the effect that any single woman sufficiently interested in checking out the unfinished profile of a middle-aged man, whose profile picture is a small spaceship is either a) desperate, b) is visually challenged or c) has a very poor taste in men. In any case, it turns out that I already have a woman exactly like this and am in no need of subsequent ones.

Now the muscle thing is, I admit, a little more intriguing but, again, I wonder what the point is of acquiring a physique like a condom full of walnuts if one has read the last paragraph. I have no desire to go to such lengths to change my (admittedly) ‘utilitarian’ body if the goal is not a suitably impressive mate?? Of course, I could certainly use the grunt for a bit of DIY work I still need to do but have found a MORE amazing ‘weird’ trick to effectively double my strength for about $50… I offer a crate of ‘Crownies’ (to my US subscribers.. if you want a consistently amazing beer at a reasonable price, the Australian Crown Lager is arguably the best in the world, trust me.. just writing this is making me thirsty for one!). Anyway, I simply offer a cold case of Crownies to a good mate, we share some sweat and some laughs and I get the job done.

Now, I have to let you in on a little secret, however. Last year, true to my roots as a scientist, I selected the three most successful ‘supplements’ to see how they would enhance my fine body. I took a good ‘before’ shot and then three subsequent ‘after’ shots and, whilst they had remarkable results, I was not entirely happy with them

heston crotch

Ok, so this is the starting point for the ‘clinical study’ conducted by me. I little bit of podge.. but you know, I’d been cooking a bit and well, you gotta taste your art, right? 😉   So, then a $150 down for a weird Amazonian fruit and only 90 seconds of sit ups a day and this was the result:

mick built

Now, many of you are no doubt suitably impressed with the results only a week later after this regime but it created quite a problem for me… you see now I was getting inundated with people of both genders apparently checking out my profile on facebook/offering to marry me (Australian laws and visa issues permitting, of course). Well, this was certainly no good, so I tried the next product, three treatments of Narwhal bile for what is apparently a bargain price of $1995.95 from a trusty facebook advertisement (if you can’t trust the internet, who CAN you trust, right??). Well, this entailed a full three weeks of jogging around the house suitably attired and taking three doses of the bile, with these results:


Now, I must confess, I was pretty impressed with the results and those abs, well, nuff said. Nevertheless there was something weird with my skin colour goin’ on, ya know whada’m sayin’? I quite liked it and it had the result of stemming the flow of eligible single people (WHO WERE RACIST, by the way) apparently checking out my facebook profile. I also got a lot of ‘likes’ that according to my patented facebook ‘Like-o-meter’ fact checked the 23,049 likes I received and found that as many as 84% were deemed to be ‘bloody insincere’ to ‘fairly bloody insincere’, so I felt that I was at least getting somewhere with my goal of being less-stalked on facebook.

Finally, I purchased the most expensive and, I have to admit, the most incredible product of the three, which cost me a new mortgage on my house, some $125, 000 , came in a special truck with what I am fairly sure was a radioactive symbol of the back and seemed to glow eerily in the insufficient lighting in the kitchen (due to the failure to replace all but one lightbulb from spending all my time collecting Crownies by helping out a growing army of mates with newfound DIY projects). I only had to take one dose and get off the couch twice daily in this new regime for a month and then I coaxed a rather terrified missus to take this happy snap:Film Title: The Incredible Hulk

So this really wasn’t helping my wardrobe of ‘weekend blacks’ (see previous post about ‘man clothes’), with each beautiful shirt ripping to shreds everytime I couldn’t find the damn remote. Funnily enough my jeans seemed to mostly cope with my newfound bulk.. certainly a relief to my wife (again, same article.. have a read!).

Now that I am whittling down to a more normal 42 year old white male professional physique with some nicely rounded bumper bars, I am currently hiding out in my spaceship on facebook and ignoring all requests for either single people or  weird new tips for gaining muscle.

However, I am becoming rather intrigued by some advertisements for “Farmville 2”. What IS this ‘Farmville’ that they speak of?? Maybe THIS could be a great new way to make friends on this wonderful vehicle of social connection we call Facebook!

Stay tuned subscribers! 😉


Ignorance is passe…

5 09 2013

“You have to know everything, don’t you?”, says Kramer, “Every minute thing that happens to my life? You MUST know!”. Not five minutes later, the line is returned to Jerry as it becomes clear that actually, all the characters MUST know everything about the minutiae of each other’s lives. Nine seasons of Seinfeld relied on the characters knowing the tiniest details about each other’s lives.


These days I think I get to know more things about people that I really wish I didn’t. The friend on facebook suffering from chronic constipation that finally pinches a loaf and parades this on facebook with a status update: “Finally dropped the bomb!” and, worse, on instagram with the visual evidence. EWW. Maybe ignorance is bliss.

Now this is not to say that I am not curious about this universe and the mysteries in it. However, the things I really want to know are the really deep issues of life like: where the hell do all my pen lids go?? I am fairly sure that I have not run out of ink in an actual pen since blowing a blue spray of interpretive art all over Mum’s best pillowcase.  Indeed, I am a notorious pen thief but, if really pushed, I can ferret around my desk, kitchen, workboots or freezer to find a pen but cannot remember ever finding a pen lid. Where do they go? Stuff building colonies on Mars, THIS is the important stuff our best minds ought to be working on right now!!

odd socks

Now odd socks, I understand. For example, if we call the probability of paired socks after washing, P and assign s= the number of socks in a given wash and n= the number of pairs in a household and t= the probability that pairs were together when put into the washing machine, then we get the relationship:

P= 1/n-(s-(t  x s))

I mean, that is simple to understand and I would much rather invent formulae for explaining the phenomenon than actually finding new socks. In fact, I find socks relatively cheap these days and my time is rather precious. If I have to spend 15 minutes searching for pairs of socks (and, as the previous article suggests, this bar is relatively low, since my entire sock collection is broadly categorised as ‘whitish’ or ‘blackish’), then that is worth about $8 of my time as a teacher (let’s ignore the fact that currently there is no designated salaried position called “sockfinder” currently on SEEK… yeah Rudd/Abbott, give us some PROPER jobs hey??!). It is therefore a far more economical use of my resources to simply buy 4 pairs of socks for $8 from my usual anonymous supplier (I’d tell you but I’d have to kill you!). So I do tend to buy a LOT of socks.

I need socks. Business socks are obligatory attire at meetings with other men to discuss “Secret Men’s Business”. Women would just LOVE to know what secret mens business is, in the same way that most people are DYING to learn about how Narwhals get “jiggy with it”. Yep. They just don’t care. We only dreamed it up because men are constantly self-conscious when groups of women cycle through periods of whispering and hysterical laughter when together and yet, when men come close the conversation switches to some inane banter about how intuitive their toddler is with predicting storms. Of course we assume the worst. It MUST be about us and something we are not doing well. We go through the list of things we do and analyse it:

1. Work: She has no clue what I do or even where I go during the day. Likely topic? NO.

2. Food: I eat with minimal wastage, complaint or gastric refund and crap regularly. Likely topic? NO.

3. Sex: I…. oh.

…and that is pretty much how the conversation goes in a man’s head. So if we can convince women that when men get together they drink beer, belch, fart and tell crude jokes, then they tend to leave us alone to do “Secret Men’s Business” and we can pore over Gray’s Anatomy and Journal articles on effective love-making in a mad effort to ‘get better at it’. The truth is, however, that most of these are written by men who would much rather be drinking beer, belching, farting and telling crude jokes (though our research DOES help in this regard). Instead, we are very busy trying desperately to find out what we are doing wrong..

secret men's business

Oh, I just found a pen lid. Cool.

(735 words)

Note to regular readers: This article was written as a project to undertake the recent Queensland Core Skills writing task in a meagre 29 minutes (as opposed to the 120 minutes allowed during the actual exam). The stimulus material was centred around the concept, “the unknown”. If JBO or LGE is reading this.. please be kind with your marking! 🙂

File 13 will return to its usual programming very soon.