When Metaphors (and a motherlode of similes) go bad..

8 03 2013

Well a colleague got me laughing with some apparently ‘true’ bad metaphors used in English and literature exams. However, I thought, with only 5 months to go before QCS prep, 8 months to HSCs/VCEs and a matter of weeks before dreaded mock exams begin in the UK, I thought I’d lend a hand to the metaphorically challenged (read that again, then think about it :).

  • The sun lurched over the horizon, like a beer filled spew at the Rugby Sevens.
  • Her hair was a damp blanket that your kid forgot was under the bushes in the back garden next to the swings but then remembered at dinner time but wasn’t allowed to go outside and bring inside because it was dark by then.
  • He scraped himself off the ground like the fresh turd of a neighbour’s dog on the lawn.
  • He spoke confidently and charmingly in precisely the same way that a typical Labrador is able to recite poetry in Esperanto.
  • She swung her head, loosening the curls of her hair like the can-o-matic is supposed to do with the lid of an ordinary can.
  • Eric’s mouth was agape like a poorly fitted Stratco tiltadoor in a stronger than usual Innisfail gale.
  • Her breasts were like twin deer, feeding by the water: hairy, pointy and with ears.
  • The politician addressed the crowd the way that a loving father might console his children, long after the dementia had set in.
  • It turned out that Abigail’s husband was useless, like a pony tail growing out the back of an otherwise bald man’s head.
  • Brian finally capitulated to the irate moviegoer, moving his melon of a head sideways, falling tragically over the balcony.
  • The moon was a ghostly galleon, tossed upon mouldy peas.
  • Eloise managed to pick the lock with ease, like a perfectly formed booger plucked from a nostril full of WD40.
  • George knew the bet would be a sure thing, like finding your wife in bed with the pool guy the day you come home early after lunch, fresh from celebrating your new promotion.
  • Trevor’s body was a classical Greek sculpture, if the sculptor in question had been cursed with cerebral palsy and had an obsession with dugongs.
  • He was as tall as a piece of 4″ x 2″, 8 foot long, which has been trimmed back to 5 foot 11″, more or less.
  • Landy was a swarthy man, with skin like a perfectly formed custard in the fridge from 1945, discovered in a dead man’s flat in 1995.
  • His ears were like two crinkly protrusions of cartiliage covered in skin, pretty much like anyone else’s ears.
  • The doctor lowered his head, peered over his glasses and frowned like an old man trying to remember whether he had crapped today or whether it was indeed yesterday.
  • Senior Detective Forde pulled his beige collar up over his neck, tapped the puddle of his hat brim and headed into the rain which was like the entire occupants of Wembley stadium at the end of an FA cup final after having drunk enough alcohol to fuel the annual demand for fossil fuels from all vehicle types in the USA simultaneously pissing on his head whilst a freak tidal wave was coming down.
  • The prince was a slimy green frog. No, really, he was.
  • Gerald had an intriguing face, like a beautiful piece of mahogany fashioned into a deeply crevassed and painstakingly chiselled form which had been accidentally sanded smooth to resemble Charlie Brown by another clumsy artisan looking mysteriously like Mr Bean.
  • Madeleine stood there, resolute but defiant, the sides of her mouth quivering like a dead body does with maggots underneath after 24-48 hours in normal humidity (apparently).
  • His blog was like a stream of consciousness during a period of extreme drought.

Well, that is enough for now..

Feel free to add other usable similes and metaphors that may be of tremendous benefit to the next generation of leaders writing examinable pieces this year!

Mickovich.

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