The real reason that the West has a bad attitude to Iran.

7 02 2013

There is a lot of what is technically called ‘twaddle’ when it comes to foreign policy in the West. Perhaps no single issue demonstrates this better than its attitude to Iran. Whilst theories abound about US imperialism, Anti-muslim sentiment from the UK and the hypercompetitiveness of Australian Defence Forces, attempting to prove for the umteenth time that our forces are easily the best in the world, whomever our allies wish to annihilate.

Actually the real problem is this:


Mahmoud Ahmadinejad. Yep. Surprised? Well, you shouldn’t be. You see world leaders HATE the dress code that goes with politics. They HAVE to wear bloody suits AND ties ALL the BLOODY time!!! One look at this scruffy head of state and most world leaders are in fits of rage: “WHAT KIND OF A COUNTRY LETS THE LEADER GET AWAY WITHOUT A TIE???”

Yes, unbelievable as it is true, the sovereign state with a leader’s surname which most closely resembles the phrase ” AH! MY DINNER JACKET!!” actually eschews the usual formal garb that such leaders are expected to live in. No dinner jacket, no tie and even gets around in beige. So the international rage is not due to his religion or the country’s previous acts of international hostility, nor its tacit support of terrorist groups. Nukes?? Please!! Anyone this casual would never be selected to cut the ribbon on a dementia ward, let alone a towering weapon of mass destruction.

Let us consider the range of circumstances that Presidents, Kings, Queens and Prime Ministers are expected to wear formal clothes. Hot muggy meetings of the G20 in Kuala Lumpur, Trade agreements reached in Singapore, diplomatics entreaties to Fiji in the height of summer and there they are, tourniquet around the neck and three piece suit, wandering around in their mobile sauna whilst grimacing unrelentingly at every camera in your face for the whole visit. This is not the worst of it. Some poor souls find themselves having to capitulate to the demands of host nations for G20 summits to dress in traditional costumes and be subjected to photographic evidence making in perpetuity for their eternal embarassment! In South Korean Hanboks (resembling traditional wedding dresses??!!):

G20 costume 1

In Vietnam, wearing silk shirt and trousers called an Ao Ba Ba:

G20 costume 2

Finally, in the UK, wearing what is colloquially known as the (very early) morning suit:

G20 costume 3

This amount of public humiliation is, to most Heads of State, barely worth the substantial retirement pension, the plumb post-political job or the inordinate access to filthy lucre via ubiquitous opportunities for corruption. Just barely. Then we see Ahmadinejad cavorting around looking like a lounge bar singer from Vegas, cool as a cucumber and looking unfairly relaxed.

Now some might cite Harmid Karzai as another suitable candidate for being unseemingly comfortable as a world leader. However, on closer inspection it is clear his has his considerable Couture cross to bear as well:

Joint Press Availability with President of Afghanistan.

It is easy to notice immediately the comfortable (an easily removable shawl for easy deaccessorisation!) and the lack of neck tourniquet without noticing the hat. For your average Western leader, it is a bit too close to THIS:

Scott Tracy

Yes, world leaders snickering in derision and the slowly shaking heads in empathic pity in equal measure ensure the long term respect of the current head of Afghanistan.

So, if Mamoud really wanted to take the heat off his country from the West, he merely needs to appear in public FAR less comfortable or at least consider exposing himself to a little bit of costume-based embarrassment and all that pent up envious rage from English-speaking narcissists on overpriced junkets around the world would move on and pick on someone else.

Now, we at File 13 have consulted our makeover specialists to suggest some themes which might be explored to reduce this international envy and render Mamoud far more embarrassed in public than he currently is. An easy start might be traditional persian garb which, though entirely practical in the climate, looks uncannily like a dress in the West. Who wouldn’t feel the tension fading seeing him look like this:

Mamoud goes native

Poor fella, a cross between Mother Teresa and a (cringe) Born Again Christian.. the foreign aid would be rolling into Iran faster than you could say ‘Windsor Knot”. Alternatively, our experts have suggested subtle changes, like a simple change of hues for television appearances:

Mamoud make up

Or, as a radical alternative to downgrade his Ubercool, rogue-statesmen look our experts have considered he might even go with NO make up for press conferences. We used our military powered number crunchers to model the likely effect in the photographic rendering below:


This final suggestion, we think might resolve ALL tension with Iran for enough time to see US debt eliminated. Our only hope is that countries of the West have the common sense to consult File 13 on matters of national security and global threats in the future. To date, however, such governments seem stubbornly resistance to such commonsense approaches.

We could really use your support to spread solutions like we have suggested to make our world a friendlier place.