Polar bears, Climate Change and Take Away Pizza

26 01 2013

It’s a little-known fact that Polar Bears are not particularly fond of fish. Lots of people aren’t actually. Fish stink. In part, this is not their fault. Fish pee constantly, if dilutely (the first time I think I have ever had cause to type that particular adverb). Even fish don’t particularly like fish (apparently to them it tastes like chicken). For Polar bears however, it is just that there is not a lot of choice out there.. what with a complete lack of trees, monkeys, squirrels, Twinkies or other bear-tasty morsels.


It needs to be stated from the outset that I am no fan of evolution, though it is curious that some environmentalists feel the need that despite the rhetoric that man should just ‘leave nature alone’ to do its own thing, they routinely intervene in the lives of animals who seem to be flirting with extinction. We save Koalas, Pandas and Polar bears.

In an evolutionary sense, I can’t see why conservationists are rewarding nature’s equivalent of fussy eaters?? If my kids won’t eat veggies, they go without dinner (unless you happen to work for Family Services, in which case this is an analogy, joke, homily or another other literary device that keeps me out of jail). If they are going to be THAT fussy about what they eat.. shouldn’t they have to deal with natural selection??

It is clear in the extensive conservation forms that such species have to fill out that such creatures be, ideally, chubby, cute and cuddly (at least when sedated with tranquiliser darts). Nowadays, most conservation agencies also require species to include photos of typical examples of their species. This led, in no small part to the unfortunate demise of the wart-faced sea cucumber (from the Galapagos Islands), the Wonky-eyed Carp (from Chernobyl) and the deeply-acneed Penguin from Chile over the last decade.

According a recent survey blatantly fabricated for this article, 67% of Polar bears prefer anchovy pizzas to raw anchovies and 97% prefer anything to Vegemite (broadly in line with typical human results of such studies). Now, Polar bears in some parts of the world actually do have access to Dominos franchises but the real issue of climate change facing polar bears has been largely ignored from the mainstream media internationally.

Polar bear pizza

There is the obvious possibility that Climate Change is really a crock of warm faeces but, more importantly, is the issue of Polar bears now occasionally isolated on icebergs adrift from larger ice floes. The problem is certainly not the lack of fish, they tend to live in the stuff around an isolated iceberg we colloquially call ‘the ocean’. No, the more serious problem is that most franchised pizza delivery chains refuse to deliver to isolated ice floes.. they have tight profit margins to protect. So polar bears end up eating fish. Lots of it. In addition, they watch far too much Cable TV in such circumstances.

Marine Biologists have found in studying the behaviour of polar bears on isolated ice floes that the high levels of Omega 3 in the fish causes the neural activity and cognitive discrimination to increase almost exponentially in such polar bears. This has serious consequences to the late night infomercial industry that pads the bottom line of Cable TV providers in the Arctic Circle. The main problem? Such bears are far too clever to ever consider buying knives that can cut through shoes since they tend not to wear shoes and, if they do happen to own shoes, certainly don’t want to cut them up.

The ramifications of this behaviour is now felt globally. With more intact shoes around the world, particularly the leather ones most prized for cutting with cheap knives, there is less need to kill cows to make the leather for shoes. Now, the cows have been (and to our knowledge, still are) pleased about such behaviour. Unfortunately, we have cows doing more farts than Peter Staines in a cabbage and baked bean sandwich eating competition.

Methane is a terrible greenhouse gas, we are led to believe. Far more dangerous than CO2 (imagine a subscript on the two, pendantic chemists who happen to be reading), methane in the atmosphere could become an issue in as little as 4500 years and may raise atmospheric temperatures by as much as smidgens (or more).

We can, mercifully, save the world. We must do three things immediately to save the planet:

1. Introduce Polar bears to the music of Justin Beiber, One Direction and Taylor Swift which has been shown to kill neurons in the brain faster than crack cocaine.

2. Insist that pizza delivery franchises increase delivery zones to include remote ice floes and bake the living crap out of anchovy pizzas to remove the last morsel of Omega 3 from the products.

3. Have such delivery personnel wear leather shoes in order to wear them out as fast as possible.

If this fails, it may be in the interests of the planet to start making vegetarians eat beef at gunpoint to get more cows off the land and into our stomachs. Let’s hope it doesn’t come to that however, for the sake of the planet. Those vegetarians sure are whingers.

Climate Change Editor in Chief

File 13

Mickovich Wilkinson




3 responses

26 01 2013
Rebekah Robinson


26 01 2013

I dispute the accuracy of some of your underlying research. I believe the popularity of vegemite amongst expats alone is higher than your article alleges. I also understand that certain military units of the putin forces will do anything to supplement revenue, including delivery of flat boxes from Dominos, armaments, and leather shoes to anywhere in the arctic circle.

30 01 2013

Good point @tandkon. More importantly, do polar bears, pandas and koala deserve capital letters for proper nouns?

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