The ‘guilt-edged’ investment of time..

21 01 2013

I try not to bother feeling a lot of guilt about things.. like a Crescent wrench however, it is a remarkably useful tool for unwinding us at times effortlessly. I feel a need to be loyal in a world where it is generally not well regarded.

For example, I note with old-man-like irritation that telecommunication companies routinely offer insane deals…but ONLY to new customers not the long-suffering saps that have been with the company for years out of laziness, fear or slight attraction to the metrosexual males on the ads (not me, honestly.). The customer service menus also give me old-man-irits as well. Why do we wait five times longer on evil tech lines for old sappy customers while those naive newbs waiting on sales get served faster than a Kardashian takes to get married and divorced?

telstra shafted

I also have a confession to make about my doctor. When I was forty it was time for that lesser known rite of passage where the glands we don’t talk about need, well, checking. Nuff said, right? Now I used to have an AWESOME doctor. You call tell because an appointment requires the alignment of stars, deep prayer and a sizeable bribe of Dom Perignon. I’m a school teacher so it was usually a cardboard cask of riesling and a minimum six week wait. Anyway, the guy lives in my suburb. We run into each other with our kids in the local video store, supermarket and service station. Gentlemen reading this would understand my dilemma: I can no longer make eye contact with a doctor with whom we have had such engagement. So I had to go elsewhere..

My current doctor will take appointments any time of the day with about five minutes notice. Yeah, he’s THAT bad. To make matters worse, I actually had my ‘examination’ with his associate but then when I needed a consultation months later, the usual guy wasn’t available and I got this guy. I was really sure that the other doctor thought that perhaps his ‘examination’ was not up to standard and had gone for a second opinion, but there was NO way I was going to broach that with the guy.

reverse prostate

Of course, I suspected something was up when my usual guy actually confronted me one appointment and actually said : “look, you were seeing Dr X and now you’ve been seeing me, are you going to decide who your GP is?”. Not a word of a lie. Now I am feeling pretty darn guilty at this time. I drop my first (excellent) doctor for a dolt, whom I drop for no good reason and get grilled about it by a worse guy because I don’t want to confront the other guy and reassure him about his examination technique! I need to let you know that I dealt with this maturely and with grace and wisdom so I blurted out, “I think I was abducted by Aliens last night.”. His reaction was imperceptible and he drily replied: ” Right. So how did you manage to get here today?”, “Well, they sent me back of course, now I have this pain in my guts.

At this point, I thought my clever diversion had steered the conversation away from my impending guilt about infidelity with my GP  in a way that might have saved the titanic (if the guilt were an iceberg and the conversational diversion a large iron rudder and me the captain of the Titanic on its maiden voyage.. methaphors really suck when you have to explain them!!). The annoying physician immediately replied; ” Given your insatiable appetite for Lamb Madras, it would explain both events quite neatly and Doctor X is certain far more enlightened about colons than I am. Maybe you should go back to him?”.

I am currently single and looking for a new doctor. :/

I know that check out assistants are doing their job at Coles and it could be due to the torture of constant exposure to Status Quo songs on loop (that even those rascals at Guantanamo Bay would not countenance) however, every time I stop for milk, bread or sanitary pads, the assistant will ask: “Do you have flybuys?”. A constant reminder of my obvious lack of loyalty to the supermarket chain I frequent the most. I guiltily reply “Err.. no, used to but ahhh, well, no. Sorry”.

But THEN, I realise that since Westfarmers (the corporate behemoth that owns Bunnings and Officeworks) took over Coles we have found out a few disturbing things about Coles’ History:

1. Prices are Down. The company is doing well. Prices used to be higher. Ok, so we have been robbed BLIND for years!! Well THANKS A DAMN LOT COLES!!!!!!!!!!

2. They have hormone-free meat, NOW!!! So for years, we’ve been been eating hormones in our meat from Coles????? Well that explains the moobs I seem to have developed in the last decade. 😦

3. NOW, they don’t have sow stall HAM. So for morons that don’t realise that Bacon, Pork and trotters are all PIG, Coles is apparently warm and fuzzy when it comes to that cold and bald ‘other white meat’.

The good thing about all this is, of course, that I am able to easily assuage my guilt about being loyal to Coles because it appears that they are pretty much like every other supermarket, with the added annoyance that now they are getting all confessional about their animal husbandry are starting to make me feel guilty about eating meat. Well, pork, chicken and beef anyway.

The only solution I have is to forget all about it and have a curry… I’m feeling like a Lamb Madras…. mmmm. 🙂




Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: