Why the world is REALLY in a financial crisis..

12 06 2012

I have given some consideration to the issue of Global Financial Meltdown and my detailed report below, I think, will satisfy the most sceptical commentators on root causes for this current state we find ourselves in. Here is the key problem: Yes. It is the rise of Collingwood FC. You see the Victorian media has, for the last few years, been gradually getting inundated with articles railing about the success of Collingwood. They are hated in Victoria more than New South Welshman, Rugby League and Barney the Dinosaur put together. More importantly, Victorians can’t get enough of the vitriol in print, electronically or from the local cab driver. Now, this has led to a news vacuum in Victoria about world events. Thus, Victorians are oblivious to the Syrian meltdown, the war in Afghanistan or what Matthew Newton is currently serving jail time for. More importantly, the second greatest love of Victorians, next to the vehement hatred of Collingwood, is the purchasing of real estate. It is no surprise that the iconic movie, ‘the Castle’ is unashamedly set in suburban Melbourne. Few are aware that Victorian Bogans are ridiculously wealthy individuals. Their penchant for braving horrid Melbourne weather to sit on plastic seats cheering their teams finds over 150 000 Melbournites on season passes absorbing every minute of the weekend on AFL. This is a very frugal way to entertain one’s self. A hot thermos, a couple of beers and a sore throat the only cost whilst thousands of dollars are ploughed into real estate. Hallam, Dandenong, Bonnydoon, Las Vegas, Fort Worth. What?? Yes, these frugal little ‘battlers’ have been buying up big time over the last few decades, religiously, fanatically, diligently…. Until the rise of Collingwood. As soon as Victorian Bogans were distracted from the worship of their twin adoration of AFL and Real Estate, to focus all efforts on the former.. well, the home markets in Las Vegas, Fort Worth and Duluth, Minnesota all dried up and went into meltdown. Sub prime mortgages the first to fall, then Lehmann brothers, then Athens, Georgia. Athens, Georgia??? Yes. It is a little known fact that most residents of Athens, Georgia were remarkably convinced by the Greek Tourism board that, in fact, they were an (honorary) part of Greece. Only 1.5% of residents knew the meaning of the word ‘honorary’ (and were subsequently found to be either lying or were, in fact beagles, therefore not strictly human), the rest felt it sounded like a good thing. The end result is that this city began following Greek premier league football and ploughing billions into the Greek economy, still ailing after the Olympics in (the REAL) Athens in 2004, where millions were disappointed that the rumours about naked athletes were, well, just that and went down the taverna instead. The residents of Athens, Georgia were now, ironically, focused solely on Real Estate, not football. Thus the funding to Greece dried up entirely, sending Greece, already financially precarious, into a fiscal tailspin. The US government covered this up, embarrassed that any American citizen would give undue time, energy and money to a sport that ‘the rest of the world play, not really Americans, so much’ (in the words, kinda paraphrased by possibly Barrack Obama). Fortunately for Australia, the Chinese, previously dedicated to printing copy jerseys of mainly Manchester United, Arsenal and Dagenham FC (predominantly because they LOVE RED!) had been running dangerously low in levels of red clothing dye but too proud to admit it to the rest of the world. Their solution, a stroke of genius, was to start producing copies of Collingwood kit in Black and White. To cover the huge copyright infringement and keep the Aussies quiet, the Chinese started buying heaps of Iron ore with the pretense of ‘building stuff with it’ whilst simulataneously smuggling in millions of bogus Collingwood kit in to suburban weekend market stalls in Melbourne. This market was a burgeoning one, with frequent raw egg, tomato sauce and sump oil stains ruining more kits worn by proud fans in the face of fierce opposition by every other Victorian ruining kits as fast as Collingwood supporters could buy new ones.. This is a serious global problem and I urge you to support our call for NATO to intervene immediately and militarily to disarm the might of the pies and apprehend Mick Malthouse (for being a loud mouthed prat, amongst other crimes), Eddie Maquire (for his support of the Collingwood and inflicting the word “Miyonnaire” on the already bastardised Australian vernacular) and anyone wearing black and white (I’m even a little suspicious of penguins to be honest). While we are at it, let’s get rid of ACTUAL magpies as well. They are almost as annoying as the football team itself. Then, maybe, we can get this global economy back on track. I hear that there are great real estate opportunities in some of the low lying islands in Vanuatu by the way…




2 responses

12 06 2012

Fantastic Mick! You are very clever (& funny). Have you ever thought about writing a newspaper column?

13 06 2012

Ha ha… I don’t anyone would pay me to write File13 material.. But you are, as always, very kind!

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