Sara Lee Psychology

9 07 2010

So I was cutting and polishing some opals lately and it occurred to me that it is amazing what lies just beneath the surface of them. One minute there seems merely the dull grey smear of worthless potch, then a little cut here, a tiny grind there and through the veil like some lava lamp through a bead curtain  flashes a red or blue or violet streak. Keep going and you see a whole new world in there. Keep going some more and well, you’ll end up grinding your thumb sitting in a pile of opal dust but you get the point.

Now, there are some dimensions to people we all know but haven’t explored fully and, well, if you’ll permit me (ok, I don’t have the patience to wait or the technology to do so) well I’m just going to do it anyway. Ladies and gentlemen: Exhibit A

Chewbacca the Wookie, pilot, smuggler and mobile shagpile rug.

Now, with the forensic technology available that has been used to recreate anatomical constructions of deceased historical figures we are, for the first time on the internet, able to apply these same principles to see what Chewbacca would look like with a good old fashioned barber shop “shave and a haircut”! If you will, Exhibit B:

Pretty slick, huh? Theories abound regarding the reasons behind Lucas’ decision not to allow Chewbacca through make-up on the set of Star Wars: A New Hope, though most sources involved suggest that Harrison Ford was not particularly happy with the competition as far as sheer charm went. Indeed, it has been suggested that more than one sneaky snog was had with Leia and Chewbacca in the Cantina set whilst filming. Chewbacca was known to be moulting at the time (since most scenes were shot in summer) and some long, incriminating ginger hairs are clearly visible in the trash-compactor scene on Leia’s white royal jumpsuit in the second act, along with a discarded Afro Comb.

Now, our forensics team has also been able to piece together a future profile of this fine actor, who has long since disappeared from the Hollywood Celebrity radar. Upon return to Kashyyyk, Chewbacca starred in no more blockbusters and instead was reduced to bit parts (cameos in Year 1 and Hair, the movie), extra work (Ice Age 3 as a background Mammoth) and Stunt work (Over the Hedge).

As a result, he apparently turned to both Oreos and Crime in equal measure and this could be a reconstructed profile of Chewbacca today:

A sad turn of events for one of the world’s most loved hairy creatures with limited communication skills. We  know more about the mating habits of wookies now than we ever have. This is, of course, a great pity because what Wookies consider de rigeur with regard to procreation is not only frightening, messy and involves much blow-drying, plaiting and hair-conditioner, it is also just plain disgusting. We will, for the sake of our readers, omit such details and suffice it to say that the young born of Wookies take on a far more Constanzite vein of hirsutism. In fact, here, our forensic scientists were happy (well, compared to recreating two Wookies having a romantic evening with Barry White on the Stereo, Grizzly Adams reruns on TV on a bright pink Flokati rug for us) to show what Chewbacca might have looked like as a toddler:

Aww.. just before he ate his first raw Ewok.

Now we can see that by peeling back the layers of people we can find all kinds of things about them but eventually we royally screw up their integumentary system and leave them rather drafty around winter-time, so it is more of a summer-time forensic psychological activity, with a lot less risk of ankle-sprain than nudie twister.

I hope you have enjoyed our informative article and this piece has been sponsored by Gilette and GHD W5000 Wookie Hair straighteners.

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One response

23 09 2010
Alison

Can I have his barber’s name and phone number?

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