Baby Handles and Ziplock Caesarians..

4 04 2009

The line between organic and industrial is getting blurrier by the year. Our bodies now may include funky features like ceramic crowns, straight out of space technology, Titanium body parts, cool longlife artificial pacemakers, polymeric heart valves and (yes, eat your heart out, Lindsay Wagner!) bionic ears!

Well, I think it’s high time we really ramped up this functionality. One of the most nerve-wracking things for a new parent is juggling little newborn babies. They have approximately the same head control as a 95 year old has over his bladder and are notoriously slippery creatures (mostly due to the unique combination of smelly liquids that can spray from around half a dozen loaded orifices). A simple solution? A handy-dandy Titanium handle mounted straight into the vertebrate of our little bundles of joy!

Imagine the confidence that a young parent would have negotiating that new MacLaren stroller into the boot after shopping, whilst juggling two bags of Aldi groceries and the darling little Jettt-Buzz Jones firmly held aloft with aeronautic grade Titanium single-handedly! Want to let little Jettt-Buzz experience the joy of flying foxes with his siblings a full three years earlier than they did? No problem, click your caribena onto his handle and listen to those howls of delight! Even Michael Jackson holding young Paris aloft in Berlin might have been a non-event if he simply had access to a Titanium back-handle on his wee-bairn!

Now my next suggestion has been met almost universally (yeah, ok, COMPLETELY) with derision from any woman who has had a child but I still think it merits an airing. After all, the first bloke who suggested that women in Labour bend over and score a chunky sharp between the vertebrae with a 1:100 chance of permanent paralysis was probably not met with hugs and kisses, yet women get epidurals every day now (well, only if they are in Labour, NOT Earth-mother types and pretty close to scratching their pathetic partner’s eyes out in pain). The idea? Simply suggesting that women having Caesarian sections and planning more children elect for a ziplock seal!

It would look far more attractive than a sealed Michelle-clip scar and that next bub is a two minute job with no fuss. The hardest thing would be remembering that the bright blue and yellow stripes needed to be green to be sealed well. Any doctor without colour-blindess should manage that one! It would also be handy if you found yourself with retractors left inside as they seem to be, all to commonly, these days! Don’t sue, just unzip, reach in and grab that offending instrument and hand it back to its rightful owner. It’s the 21st century, for goodness sake, we just need to be cool about these things.

Now, I now this next application will be as controversial as it is gross, but indulge me. It also gives a wonderful opportunity for women to discover the joy of pockets. Men don’t actually need a lot of pockets under normal circumstances. They are predominantly for men with communication problems in relationships with women (that is, pretty much, all men in such relationships).

Levi Strauss recognised this way back in 1886 when we sewed no fewer than 5 pockets into men’s 501 jeans. Women always ask men to carry their stuff. This is supported by statistics (that I just made up) that gay men have some 43% fewer pockets than straight men.

“Darling could you just mind my keys/lipstick/compact/fold-up treadmill? That’s a love!”. Most men, when confronted with this confident request delivered in a sultry tones with hints of chocolate and Joop! are scarcely able to mumble the less-than articulate reply: “MMmmph? Yeahalright.”.

Dr Livingstone was well able to traverse the larger part of central Africa by enlisting the help of poorly paid servants to carry his extravagant supplies of extra pith helmets. In the same way, women are able to glide into an evening on the town with 3.5 grams of silk draped over a gorgeous body on 54 g of stilettos, knowing full well that their partners are endowed with enough pockets to be able to carry their 45.6 kilograms of “essentials” required for a three hour dinner and dance.

Consider the liberation that might be achieved for our longsuffering menfolk if women could simply store such essentials in their lower abdomen? Of course, there is the fear that men may find their current, burdensome layers of clothing largely superfluous in such circumstances and opt for a nice pair of undertrunks (with an  appropriate “pocket” for storing a single credit card and car key,  complementing such trunks with perhaps a Bonds vest (if it was particularly cold in winter) when going out. I also suspect the divorce rate might climb somewhat…

Well, maybe we’d better just keep the pockets and leave the ziplocks well-enough alone, for the sake of preserving society. Maybe I’ll also skip the planned discussion on using hollowed prosthetic limbs as extra storage on motorcycles…

Au Revoir!

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2 responses

10 04 2009
Beck Robinson

Why is it that MY husband insists he does not have ANY pockets, while I, on the other hand, am conveniently carrying a handy-dandy bag just ideal for the repose of his keys, wallet, and small purchases? Don’t even start me on the car beverage holder … me. 🙂

15 04 2009
genericoracle

LOL, yeah OK, I concede that the handbag can be a lure to men sans pockets! However, Jo would concur that I rarely if ever use the “Lancel Locker” because it offends my manhood to be rifling through a ladies handbag, with tissues, old gums and.. (well, let’s just say “worse”) flying through the air whilst I’m looking for my keys.. I just don’t need that kind of grief! 🙂

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